Come find yourself...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It's 'Take It Up The _______, Thursday!' AMAZING CRAB CAKES!

Late last night I found out the major TV network known for airing the biggest cooking shows in the world passed on my show idea and me as the talent.

I know why they passed. My promo wasn't fast enough. It wasn't ME enough. How to get them to realize I am that true undiscovered talent they will kick themselves if they don't do SOMETHING with me.

I. Am. Meant. To. Be. On TV.

Like BORN to be on TV.

I think it's the gay thing, maybe, and the fact they are very G-rated. My charm is I bake pies on the weekends, always am polite in public, do the right moral thing and am consumed with the idea of kindness but then I also like to talk like a white-trash sailor about sex and relationships.

And who can wear a pair of Prada heels like no one.

I will say this - there is one woman I met there, (I'll call her G. K.) who was so sweet and lovely and charming...she was like the perfect gal pal and business woman I'd work with and who would watch the show.

She made the process so delightful. Thanks darling G. K.

Onward. Onward, onward, onward.

Let's set the mood, shall we?


I decided on a recent trip to up my efforts to get people to read my blog. I've been relying on others to help get my TV project off the ground and that's been a mistake. I mean, it's a nice idea, others helping you with a creative career, but I find it's really up to me to be a One Man Band...once again.

I gorged on the most popular food bloggers. And after just a few days, I started to feel like I had taken way too much Immodium. I felt there was no way I could compete with them.

There were reams upon reams of arguments about the lack of culinary taste and education bloggers have; pages upon pages of bloggers saying how blasphemous and infuriating it is regular Joe's and Jane's think they have the audacity to write about food without having studied in Europe or at LEAST Le Cordon Bleu in the states.

Then I heard a voice. A tiny little bearded voice named Sean.

No, it wasn't my therapist.

Come with me to 1997. NYU. School of snotty, over-entitled girls with Prada bags and white yuppy boys who are dumb as a post.

My teacher had finished reading a story of mine and proceeded to tear it to shreds. He said I didn't get this voice, I didn't get that voice, I didn't know how to say this, how to say that -- on and on he went, quoting Faulkner, Hemingway, Tolstoy, saying I needed to know all of that work before I could possibly try to write.

He told me I wasn't a writer and that I should quit writing. Now.

He said only a very precious few are born writers - the rest of us are squatting in their Kingdom of Creativity and we need get out. He said Ed Albee agreed with him. He said a whole slew of famous writers agreed with him.

I wanted to die.

Out of the back of the class came the voice of Sean, one of my fellow students. He looked right at the teacher and said, "Who the fuck died and made you the God of the writing world? I mean, really man. Who the FUCK?"

God bless tiny, hairy and cute straight boy Sean - he was right. Everyone has right to do anything they want if they feel it is something they must do.

If you feel you must write, write.

If you feel you must dance, dance.

If you feel you must cook, cook.

You may not, in the end, be Barishnikov or Hemingway or Pepin, but don't let anyone tell you to stop because, in their view, you are not 'born' to do it or because you are not doing it the right way.

Fuck 'em.

Remember...that tells you more about their insecurities than yours. Trust me.

Which is why I am not stopping on this blog or with this project.

Is The Food Therapist a variety show? A cooking show? A show with a musical number at the beginning? Is it three shows in one?

Yes. It's all of them. Deal.

Born cooks, writers and dancers indeed.

Who DID make you God?


Now, why is Thursday called "Take It Up The ______, Thursday?" Because I want to be an equal opportunity gay blogger. Wherever you DO take it 'up', this is your foodie day!

All meals on Thursday will be about sex and romance.

See...I love everyone for who they are.

This first 'ketchup' first recipe is from the amazing Jacques Pepin.

The second 'ketchup' recipe will be for tomorrow's special Friday Take-Out Edition.

He wrote a great book a few years back, Fast Food My Way, and it's a dream. I'm sure the snobby food bloggers are yawning over this, but I ain't writing for you, honey! I'm writing for you home cooks who are looking for something a bit off of the beaten path.

He wrote a follow-up to this book I'm not a crazy about. This first edition is the real deal.

One of my favorite recipes is his Zesty Crab Cakes. They are sublime. I made a few tweaks and moved a few things around, but it's 70% Jacques so I can't claim it. Some of Jacques recipes are a bit more difficult than they appear because he's so damn good at what he does he forgets most home cooks are not as good with cutting or assembling as he is.

But I can't fault the man. He is so generous in his TV shows and has been an inspiration to so many cooks for so many years, I adore him, I just adore him.

Try this meal with a nice side salad of mesculin greens and fresh croutons with olive oil and fig balsamic vinegar and you simply cannot go wrong! Better yet, this pairs well with a variety of tomatoes and vinegar. You don't need much more than that.

Well, I wouldn't turn down torn pieces of a baguette but that's simply ME, darling.

And this meal is a great one for "Take It Up The ________, Thursday!" Sure, it's fish, but it's light, very tasty, not heavy and won't make you feel bloated either during of after, well - you get the idea, girl.


Let's cook!

Total cooking time: 20 minutes

Serving size: 4

  • 8 ounces crab meat
  • 1 and 1/2 cup bread crumbs DIVIDED
  • 3 large scallions, minced
  • 3 teaspoons garlic, chopped or pressed through a garlic press
  • 3 tablespoons low-fat mayonnaise
  • 1-3 teaspoons Tabasco sauce
  • 1/3 cup sliced almonds, chopped
  • 2 tablespoons peanut or canola oil
  • 2 egg whites
On crabmeat. Varies widely. Your handy-dandy guide:

Lump or Lump Crab Meat

Jumbo Lump comes from the pair of large muscles that drive the crab's swimming legs. Grades identified simply as Lump are from smaller crab varieties. Use Jumbo Lump when you want to display beautiful white meat...that's right, I wrote 'display white beautiful white meat.'

I need a drink.

Jumbo Lump Crab Meat

This a lovely type for crab cakes, if you can find it and afford it. Girls in the ghetto will have a problem affording this one.

Lump or Backfin Lump Crab Meat

Lump or Backfin is the preferred grade for many traditional crab dishes. It has the same fine flavor and texture of Jumbo Lump, but is in slightly smaller pieces. It has the same caloric value as Jumbo Lump. Some companies call this grade Lump, some Backfin, and some Backfin Lump. The reason is that many packers include a large percentage of White Crab Meat (body meat—see below) in cans labeled Backfin. If you purchase a can labeled Lump, it will be all lump meat—just not Jumbo Lump.

White Crab Meat

Canned white crab meat is popular and good for crab cakes

Let's cook!
  • Mix the first six ingredients together LIGHTLY (use only 1 cup of breadcrumbs).
  • Don't manhandle the crab. Be gentle you big brute.
  • Crush the remaining breadcrumbs with the almonds. The yuppie method is to use a food processor. My white trash way is to put the crumbs and almonds in a plastic bag and smashing it with the edge of a frying pan. Laugh, but it works bitch.
  • Form the crab mixture into 4 patties.
  • Mix up the egg whites in a separate bowl.
  • Gently dip the crab cakes into the egg, then dip into the crumb/almond mixture until it is coated on all sides. You have to be patient and press.
  • Heat the oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat and arrange the patties next to one another in the pan, handling them very gently because they are very, very soft.
  • Cook for about 3 minutes on each side. Keep warm in the oven.
  • Mix 1/3 cup mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons ketchup, 1 teaspoon wasabi paste or wasabi powder, 2 teaspoons fresh lime juice, and 1 tablespoon water.
  • Don't skip the wasabi paste. That is the trick. I have been using wasabi paste for along time and I love it.
I normally double the sauce for the crab cakes, as this tends to be a slight amount for the meal.

And after this recipe, you know what you'll be singing?

1 comment:

  1. I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.