Come find yourself...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

For all those fighting for their place in this life...never, ever give up...

Hot-Ass KY Jelly, Mexican Food Sex, Lovin' You and only You...

The shit I've had to deal with trying to get this idea off of the ground is unreal.

I've realized something -- cooking shows are DULL.

So I'm mixing it up.

It's true what Tina Howe, the great American playwright once told me -- she said you have to look people in the eye and see if you can really trust them before you work with them.

I've had two producers over 5 years for one aborted TV show idea. And I thought selling screenplays was hard!

Endless emails. Years in editing rooms working on two promos which fell short. The world needs my talent!

The first promo had energy but was sloppy, stilted and weird. The second promo made by former Fucker Producer was sweet but boring as hell. It was like pulling teeth to get it made.

Now I am (hopefully) working with a new director and a new crew and writing a new script for the show - the working title is "Sex, Food, Love".

I feel like a spastic salmon determined to swim upstream when all of the other fish around me are yelling, "Give it up, Sally Salmon. It ain't gonna happen!".

The part that kills me is I talk to successful people and talented people and I can tell I'm smarter and more insightful than them. Sure, most of their work is vapid and of little significance, but still - they are getting shit made.

The show is now a variety style show. It's about the relationship between Sex, Food and Love.

Speaking of SEX...I got the most interesting email from US Magazine (and what a shining example of journalist it is).

It was for a new product.

Intensive K-Y. INTENSIVE K-Y.

From the website. Oh my:

"K-Y® Brand INTENSE™ is formulated with a proprietary combination of niacin and sensory ingredients. Massaging K-Y® INTENSE™ directly onto the clitoris, as directed, stimulates sensitivity and creates a gentle warming sensation increasing female pleasure during intimacy."

So essentially, it's Ben Gay for your clit. Okay...

And then there is this:

"Have you (or your partner) gently massage a drop (2-4 pumps) of K-Y® Brand INTENSE™ onto your clitoris."

Okay, that turns me on.

But here are the tastiest bits:

"The #1 doctor-recommended K-Y® Brand has more than 80 years of experience speaking with consumers around the world to better understand their needs and desires."

I can see the booth now at the local Piggy Wiggly. "Free Clit Stimulus Testing with purchase of two boxes of Low-Fat Trisket Crackers!"

"A recent K-Y® Brand study of unmet consumer desires with regard to intimacy identified a need and an opportunity to create a high-quality product targeted specifically toward female satisfaction."

No comment.

"The K-Y® Brand's market research team understood the link between a woman's physical pleasure from intimacy and her overall intimate satisfaction. This insight led K-Y® scientists to explore ways to increase clitoral sensitivity."

The research wonder how many of them were women? And how many identified as gay or bisexual?

And did they include shrinks in this study? Because all of the bullshit aside, we all know the reason women are not satisfied in bed is because their husbands or lovers are emotionally in la-la land during the act.

I'd love to see KY gear their brand to the gay market. Do they have ANY idea how POPULAR they'd be?

The science and market research teams needed a method to increase sensitivity in a way that both made the feeling last and resulted in a good consumer experience."

Good consumer experience - gosh, do I go for five drops of K-Y on my clit or the new Bisol?!

"To test their formulations, K-Y® researchers utilized Doppler imaging technology to measure the effect their prototype had on human skin. The result, as hoped for, was localized and lasting. Subsequent testing with couples confirmed that the K-Y® team had developed the consumer delighting experience they had been striving for."

We know why consumers found it a 'delighting experience'. It took the responsibility of off the women's partner to fulfill his/her/their emotional obligation to bring the woman to climax. Don't get me wrong, but I'm all for sex toys to ENHANCE sex and the resulting deeper emotional bond between partners, but not as a way to REPLACE emotional connection.

Sex is great for sex's sake. I'm a guy. I get it. Guys are all about doing it and going to sleep.

Women are wired differently. They like more emotion with their sex. Funny, huh?

Us gay guys are in the middle of that - we like a lot more emotion than our heterosexual buds but not as much as many women.

But there are tremendous gray areas here.

Gay guys are going through a huge shift right now. Gays hate gays for being gay, hence, the whole hype-masculinity crap. It's called 'internalized homophobia'. I used to laugh when my Ph.D. social work husband said that about gays, BUT HE'S RIGHT.

Straight guys feel much more than they let on, but they don't show it because it's not socially acceptable and they are taught, from an early age, to be stoic and withheld -- women don't help this much either by always saying 'oh, you know Charlie, still waters run deep', thus wanting their cake and eating it too by justifying that Charlie won't say how he feels, but loving the fact Charlie is such a 'man'. They want him sensitive when they want him sensitive and a Cowboy to make them feel save and protected -- can you say Daddy Complex?

Gay guys feel a lot more than they let on. But they don't show it. Why? Because gays are uncomfortable being gay.

Lesbians - sorry, but you got me there.

Straight women are, to me, the most highly evolved of the different categories. They do show how they feel and they are often right. They have an awareness most men simply will not fathom.

'nuff said. Let's cook up some Mexican, shall we?

I made this one up last night. As always, it was brilliant. I should change my name of Michael Rodriguez, I swear.


This one rocked my world. I made it rather spicy, so if you are a wimp with hot Mexican food cut down a few peppers. Or man up and eat it with sour cream. Just kidding (on the man up part; not on the sour cream).

Here is what you'll need:

  • 3 skinless, boneless chicken breasts, diced into cubes
  • 4 medium sized Yukon gold potatoes, partially boiled and diced into cubes
  • 5 tablespoon medium-hot chili powder (NOT made with the label...cocoa is not good in Mexican and I don't care what anyone says)
  • 3 large white onions, chopped
  • 8 cloves garlic, chopped/sliced fine
  • 2 fresh jalapenos, chopped with seeds
  • 4 dried arbol chili's, soaked in hot water for 15 minutes and chopped fine
  • 2 teaspoons Mexican oregano
  • 5 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 cup Manchego cheese, shredded
  • 6 medium-sized tortillas
Poblano sauce:
  • 2 large fresh Poblano chilies, chopped medium
  • 3 large fresh ripe tomatoes, chopped medium
  • 1 large white onion, chopped medium
  • 2 jalapenos, chopped medium seeds and all
  • 3 cloves of garlic, chopped medium
  • 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
  • 1/2 teaspoon sugar
Sour cream for serving on the side

Here is what you do...

Arbol chilies are tiny red chili's normally sold in the ethnic section of the supermarket. You normally get a big ass bag for, like, $2 dollars. All you do is soak the dry chilies in boiling hot water for 15 minutes and chop them up and put them in the meal. Very simple. BUT...these are hot, so be careful with them.

Put the chilies in a bowl, cover with water and soak as you prepare the rest of the meal.

Put on a pot of water on the stove that can easily accommodate the lovely 4 Yukon Gold potatoes. Heat up the water until boiling and then throw in the potatoes, unpeeled.

As the potatoes cook, cut up the chicken. Pour a few glugs of olive oil in a 12 inch non-stick pan and heat up for a minute or so. Throw the chicken and 2 tablespoons chili powder along with some salt and pepper in the pan. Cook until chicken is just done, about 8 minutes. Transfer to a plate.

The potatoes are still probably cooking, so make up the spicy base. Heat up another tablespoon of olive oil in the clean skillet. Add 2 chopped onions, 6 cloves of garlic and the jalapenos as well as 2 tablespoon chili powder. Cook for about 6 minutes. Add the chopped arbol chilies, cook 4 minutes and then set aside.

Do not wipe out the pan UNLESS it's a tad burnt. Otherwise, leave all the good tasting spices in there for the potatoes.

The potatoes are probably done now. Poke them with a fork. If they offer a bit of resistance but are still a bit firm, that is what you want. You are going to cook them a bit more. Take them out of the water, and slice them into quarter-sized slices.

Heat up the last of the oil. Throw in the potatoes and the last chopped onion as well as the last of the chili powder and salt and pepper. Cook about ten minutes on medium heat, or until the potatoes are cooked but have a tiny bit of resistance to them.

Put them aside.

Heat up your oven to 375 degrees.

Get out a casserole dish big enough to hold 6 large enchiladas. Spray with Pam (olive oil).

Wipe out the skillet you've been using and heat up over medium heat for a minute or two. Add in all of the Poblano sauce ingredients and cook for 10 minutes. Transfer to a blender and blend until mixed and thick, about a minute on medium setting. Taste and adjust with salt and pepper.

Set up a little Enchilada Station.

You should have four bowls: Chicken, Potatoes, Onion Mixture, Poblano Sauce.

Lay a tortilla in the casserole dish and sprinkle a bit of each Onion Mixture then Chicken then Potatoes and top with 2 tablespoon of the sauce and roll up so the are tight.

Once all six are rolled, pour a thick line of Poblano sauce down the middle of the Enchiladas and then sprinkle with the cheese. Bake for 25 minutes (or until a bit crispy) and here you go:

Kick ass food and kick ass advice...

Now...let's party!!!!