Ego Shit

It's been almost two months since I last posted. Much has happened in that time.

The most important thing has been a shift within me. Yes, there have been projects I have been involved in (a one-man show, the cooking show, more written work) but the real work has taken place within me.

My way of living is changing. How I relate to myself and how I relate to my creative work is changing. How I relate to others is changing.

It's unfortunate I cannot be as open as I would like to be on this blog. I cannot divulge all that is happening. Others will use it against me in ways which are negative and hurtful. I can't go there anymore with those people. I am sick of those people. They make me itch with anxiety.

So for now...suffice to say change is taking place. It's all very good but very difficult.

It's very interesting -- I wrote and performed in a one-man show off-off-off-Broadway 2 weeks ago. It was called "Me & Julie Andrews". It was the story about what I cannot write about on this blog. The process of writing and performing in the show was very difficult but very necessary.

Everyone has within them their true, wonderful selves which are covered with layers of shit. Shit about how they need to act. Shit about how tough they need to be. Shit about how rich or famous they need to be. Ego shit.

Ego shit drives so many people. They base their entire lives on trying to achieve their ego's needs. I am not pleased with this, but I can see now how that is not the right way to go. Sigh. To go that way is to live a life for all the wrong reasons. What a pain in the ass to realize that.

There is a thing in Buddhism called 'Right Action'. We all know what the Right Action is to take (the one from our hearts) but most of us never do that, but instead, what the ego wants. I think...I'm not sure yet as I'm in the midst of this, but I think...I think that's the absolute wrong path in life.

Fuck. What a difficult yet liberating awareness.

I know the kind of people who will never, ever understand what I'm talking about. They would look at me as if I were a lunatic or flighty. But I know I'm not. Because I've walked in their shoes. I know how it is they view living life. Their view is a fallacy.

Fuck.

Change is coming. And it's time. Change in a way I never dreamed. I'm mired in the muck of accepting the truth but I see glimmers of what lies ahead and I see it's good. Very good.

Fuck.

I've said before the only reason I wanted to do a cooking show was because I like cooking as a way to create and as a way to give to people. Pure creating and pure giving. Right now, I don't give two shits about branding or media or advertising or demographics or ratings or research or mind and emotional games inherent in seeing a cooking show on the air.

I gave two shits and it put me right where I needed to be. At square one.

The food in my cooking show was only a metaphor and a tool for waking people up the reality of their lives and their relationship with themselves. I got lost in trying to give unnamed executives in television what they wanted.

I am entirely unsure what the next step will be. I know I have to have a plan, I know I have to strive towards a goal, a way to create a body of work...but right now with this big change it's all about listening for signs, seeing what is around me and being the best friend to myself I possibly can be.

To today...